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I sleep when she (”she” being my 18-week-old, a tyrant in a pink cloud sleep suit) lets me. It’s segmented and weird but I relish whatever I get.

I go to bed around 7 pm most nights which puts me on the same bedtime schedule as very small children and very old people. My grandmother frequently went to bed around 7 pm but woke up at 2 am almost every night for her ritual of a Little Debbie treat and a glass of milk. Then she watched Dateline reruns until she passed out. I miss her.

Anyway, I digress. I go to sleep at 7 pm when my husband takes over for his night-time shift. She’s very little and has a stomach to match so she drinks 4 oz every 2-3 hours after which she throws her legs straight up in the air to fart and then falls back asleep. It works for her and I’m proud of her. He sleeps in this little daybed we have in her nursery when she’s settled and then wakes when she wakes for another feeding. My husband keeps up this song and dance until 2:30 - 3:30 am when he wakes me up and I take over. Most of the time she’s done with her crib and wants to be taken downstairs to the living room where she eventually falls back asleep anyway and I spend the early morning doing chores or watching YouTube videos while mainlining coffee. On nights he raids the schedule is different and I’m the one watching her until 10 or 11 pm.

It’s a broken way to sleep but it’s certainly better than contact napping. Yes, it’s nice and sweet to hold your baby while they sleep but it also kills your shoulders and it is mind-numbing. I would be scared to fall asleep with my daughter in my arms that I would bite the absolute shit out of the inside of my mouth to keep myself awake. I’m so terrified of SIDs and of losing her that I don’t care about how much caffeine I’m consuming or how I’m shedding a concerning amount of hair with every shower.

In the early days, I woke up with every sniffle and groan she made in her sleep. Babies, if you don’t know, make so much goddamn noise when they sleep. Especially newborns. Sometimes she just randomly shrieks, screams, and grunts. I’ve gotten used to it which is a strange thing to get used to. She doesn’t even weigh 20 lbs and she’s scared me more than anything else in the world ever has. I love her and I’m terrified of her. She’s tiny, pink, and farts like a freight train.